The Art of Chemistry
by Shattered Inkwell
Summary: In which Kankuro lectures, Gaara plays the role of spectator, and Temari swears the entire discussion is hellbound. [Crack fic, slight SasuTema.]


_**Author's Note:** This is post Shukaku removal. Also, since Gaara and Temari know about the Kyuubi, I figured Kankuro would as well. I apologize for the frequent use of italics, but they seem to fit certain parts of the story. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy._

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.**

**The Art of Chemistry**

Had someone had inquired her prior to the situation about what her reaction would be in a case such as this, she would have told them "What the hell."

However, she would have found something so unreasonable to simply be a hypothetical question, instead of the actual state of affairs occurring in front of her at this very moment. Thus, her mind was wiped of any clever remark on what say, and so Temari's only reaction was to stare blankly at her younger brother, the culprit for the bizarre incident that was unfolding.

Pie charts and data sheets containing all the statistics of the young male ninja of Konoha littered the kitchen table. Beside the pile of data listing lay a stack of index cards, each with one of the boys' names written atop it.

One of the mounds of paper suddenly shifted, and she managed to see a head of dark red hair move behind it, before finally shoving the batch in front of him to the side. She smiled softly at the irritable expression on Gaara's face as he continued fishing about for his folder that recorded the recent missions completed by the fellow Sand ninja of their village. The fact that he seemed to be sleep-deprived and that his documents regarding his duties of Kazekage were half-buried under the results of Kankuro's paranoia didn't contribute to the improvement of his mood, either.

As a matter of fact, the seventeen year old in question was now pacing back in forth in front of the table, wielding a wooden pointer in his hand and eyeing Temari with a look filled with suspicion; which she returned unblinkingly. The tension was broken by Gaara's low rasp sounding around the shuffling of papers.

"Kankuro, would you mind telling us what this is all about so we can return to work? You and Temari have missions this afternoon, and I still have paperwork to fill out."

The brunette paused in the midst of what had to be his fifth trek around the table, and leaned forward to place both palms on the wooden surface, regarding his siblings in a business-like manner. He looked as though he was preparing to give an important speech.

"What this is _about_," he began, throwing a look at his elder sister as he did so, "is Temari's love interests within that damn Leaf Village."

The Sand konoichi stared at him with a dumbfounded expression. "Excuse me?"

But the Jounin ignored her, instead indicating the factual listings and charts, then bending down to retrieve a stack of pictures at his feet. Groaning inwardly, Temari noticed they were annual photos that had been taken of each individual male Leaf ninja they had come to befriend and find familiar over the past two and half years.

"Where did you get all of this from?" Gaara inquired curiously, raising a nonexistent eyebrow.

Temari bit back a chuckle. "Honestly Kankuro, what did you do, raid the Hokage's office?"

Silence. Then-

"You _did_, didn't you?"

"Borrowed", her brother corrected her sharply, returning his attention to his stolen research data. Temari and Gaara exchanged questionable glances, but said nothing.

"First on the list, the blonde idiot we all know and love, Naruto Uzumaki," Kankuro stated, flicking through the stack to remove the boy's photo as he extracted an index card from the opposite pile matching Naruto's description. He held out the snapshot so that both of his family members were able to see it clearly, then held the index card at eye level and began to read aloud from it.

" "Naruto Uzumaki, age fifteen, born October tenth, blood type B. Status genin, alias 'Konoha's number one knuckleheaded ninja.' Has a history of deforming the Hokage Stones Faces with paint and spatter." Basically, an overall pain in the ass."

"Referred to by some villagers as the 'Kyuubi, or the Nine-Tailed Fox. Nice kid, but not exactly your type, is he?" he asked as he lowered the card, placed it back amongst the others, and pulled out another one.

"Kiba Inuzuka, loud, obnoxious, and confident, always has that mutt Akamaru of his with him. "Age fifteen, born July seventh, blood type B." "

Temari frowned as Kankuro reached for another file. It was obvious the Suna nin was slipping in some information and opinions of his own, along with the clear-cut facts he was reading off to them now. More crinkling of papers announced Gaara was resuming his overlook of missions and reports, he having been only slightly interested in the topic of conversation.

She watched him sign forms and pore over scrolls as Kankuro, who had proceeded with his presentation by giving summaries of Neji and Lee, -describing the former as a "white-eyed selfish git", and the latter as "the bug-eyed, youth-educed brow kid" and was now synopsizing Shino and Chouji.

"Are you _finished_ yet?" she finally cried as Kankuro seemed to conclude his seminar with Shikamaru.

"No, I'm _not_ finished, as a matter of fact," he snapped back, scowling. "Just keep your hair on."

He moved the index cards and statistic files aside, then knelt down and hefted a large cardboard chart onto the table.

"And now, Temari's so-called love affair and Konoha heartthrob, stoic bastard and traitor, _the_ infamous Sasuke Uchiha."

At this, even Gaara was attentive. Oblivious to his brother's scrutiny and his sister's protest, Kankuro jabbed at various details on the chart with his pointer, voicing his take on each and every perspective of the essential facts he had so painstakingly gathered and constructed together.

"Oh, before I forget-" Kankuro dived below the table and brought up two photographic prints, both larger than the others he had previously shown them. He slid one of them across the table surface towards Temari; it was a picture of how the now-missing nin had looked when he was twelve.

"And _here_-" he slid the second photograph across the table, "-is a rough estimate of how he would appear at present, since the time he's spent with Orochimaru."

'Rough' was a severe understatement. The picture had been altered -clearly by Kankuro himself- to represent Sasuke's 'new-found' appearance with Orochimaru-like traits. A poorly drawn Oto uniform, along with a long pink tongue and scribbled long black hair, had been scrawled messily onto the snapshot.

"Now, if you would be so kind as to draw your attention to exhibit 'A'-" at this he pointed to a diagram that was built up of Sasuke's personality traits and characteristics- "and compare it to exhibit _'B'-" _he now positioned the rod above a diagram formed from Temari's qualities- "you will see that both exhibits do not have much in common with one another, and therefore would not create good balanced chemistry upon contact. In a nutshell, it'd be a rocky relationship." He focused on Temari meaningfully, waiting for a response.

"Do you mean to tell me," she started slowly, deliberately, gritting her teeth "that you did all this to prove that Sasuke Uchiha and I wouldn't make a decent couple?"

"When you put it bluntly, yes."

Temari's teal eyes flashed dangerously. "What the hell makes you so positive that I was interested in him in the first place?!"

The puppet user threw up his hands in defense. "Oh come _on _Temari, do you honestly think I've forgotten that you had the hots for him back when we were all taking the Chuunin Exams? And don't even _think_ for a moment I didn't notice you moping around the house the day we found out Uchiha betrayed the Leaf to go with Orochimaru."

"I was just shocked!"

"Right, shocked because you'd never get to see the gorgeous _Sasuke Uchiha _again-"

"_Enough_."

The Kazekage's low voice cut through the air, causing both teenagers to pause their quarrel in time to turn their heads in his direction.

Gaara placed a folder atop the long-lost stack of files he had unearthed from Kankuro's stolen research with a sigh, and raised his sea-green eyes to the brown ones across the table.

" 'Balanced chemistry'," he repeated, only mildly amused, "tell me, have you been reading Sakura Haruno's magazine subscriptions again?"

Kankuro shot him a dark look, although the effect was neutralized considerably due to the purple face paint coating his facial features. " I don't don't _read_ them, I just briefly _skim_ through them." He pulled up a chair and flung himself down upon it with so much force that the wooden legs rattled beneath him.

"Look," he commenced cautiously, "I just don't want my sister to wind up marrying a jackass and turn into a teen pregnancy case-"

"_Teen pregnancy?" _Temari forced a laugh, though her clenched fists and white knuckles displayed her current frame of mind.

"You think I'm going to run off to Otogakure and wind up a _teen pregnancy_?"

She fixed him with an icy stare, causing the middle sibling to squirm in his chair.

"Fine then," she stated coldly, her voice dripping with immense sarcasm, after no one said anything for several long minutes. "The _next_ time I sleep with him, I'll remember to use protection."

She pushed her chair back from the table and exited the room; a resounding crash could be heard as Kankuro toppled off his chair, feverishly rambling about the processes of abortion and adoption.

* * *

Outside in the hallway, Temari rubbed her temples tiredly. Her younger brother's antics and sometimes literal sense never ceased to amaze her. As if she would ever be in love with _Sasuke Uchiha_ of all people. _Chemical balance._ She snorted humorlessly at that. 

Although, she knew she had to admit to herself, a light blush tinting her cheeks, one thought on that act in particular frightened her above all others. It was, after all, only logical to be.

It was simply too horrifying to imagine someone with such attractive looks as Sasuke to end up looking like the monstrosity depicted in Kankuro's example.

That was absolutely something she could not bear to envision.

* * *

Besides... 

Someone _that_ cute and mysterious only came along once in a lifetime.


End file.
